Saturday, April 21, 2012
In my life, since I started writing, I have met many people who have called me their 'inspiration'. It felt good. It felt heavenly to know that someone there appreciates your work and learns something from you. Whenever I heard that I am an 'inspiration' to someone, I felt like I did something worthwhile. I realized that yes, I made the right choice for me.
And today, I met someone who had inspired me to go on. Who had told me never to back down and go for what my heart says. Who had begged me to think about what MY heart says rather than what my brain says. She was responsible for bringing me out of my shell. She had told me that "Mahi, go for writing, for you won't be happy otherwise."
I had this fear in my heart that being a writer was an immature thing. I was running after the so-called 'practicality'. I used to treat my skills as mere time-pass thing. She was the one with whom I shared my deepest desires. She knew my fear of rejection. I was scared to tell my parents that what I truly wanted, was to be a writer.
She told me that my parents only want my happiness. They won't like it if I am not happy. I was scared. I was scared to confess that I wanted to continue writing, and not be a doctor. But she gave me the strength. She made me understand that no matter what, I shouldn't give up on my writing.
Writing always made me truly happy. During the boring classes, only telling her about my new piece of work, brought a smile on my face. She loved that. She told me that I had this 'Gift from God' and I shouldn't go for something that my heart doesn't truly long for.
She brought the inner child in me. She brought me back from my shell. I had been hurt by my closest friends, so she helped me to heal. She made me a carefree girl. With her, I was always this kid, who loved to explore things. Various people called her 'too philosophical', but only I knew the loving side of her.
I still have her notes with me. I have all of them written and kept with me. I cherish them. They still make me smile and blush. She was the only one who knew what I wanted. Everyone else told me to go for doctory, but she, being a true friend, told me to close my eyes and let my heart guide me.
She had said, "Mahi, don't do this. What if you become a doctor and can't give your 100%? You know, your one mistake can save or take a life. Can you forgive yourself after that?"
And this was the first question that set my mind rolling. How could I take any chances? How could I, not only break my heart, but also rob someone's life? 'What ifs' have always scared me. And I couldn't risk this. I would have killed myself (and I am not just saying) if anything had happened to another soul due to me.
And how could I be a successful doctor, if my mind and heart was not fully into it?
So, today, we met after a year. When you asked me what I was doing, I felt so much pride in replying 'English Honours'. I am so irrevocably happy. Not only did I made myself happy, but a small part of my heart was happy because I didn't let you down. I felt satisfied when I saw that happy smile on your face.
The first thing I had wanted to do, after I chose this field, was to tell you. But then, your phone was off. Always. I didn't realsie until now, how much I longed for your acceptance. I realized that I had been missing you. I had wanted you to know about my decision. I had wanted you to know everything.
And now that you know, I feel finally at peace.
Now you know, that my heart finally won over my mind. That 'Mahi' inside this 'Mahak' had come out in open. That Mahi had defeated the strong-headed Mahak and had won over her. Finally, Mahi is what Mahak is.
When you said 'I love you' today, I felt so happy. I felt like I finally got you back. I had so much to tell you today, but we both didn't had time. I felt so clogged with emotions, that it was difficult for me to speak. Even though you took my number, who knows when would we be talking next, for you don't have a phone. But if you ever come to read this blog-post of mine, you know what I wanted to say today.
I actually do love you, Sim.
You are responsible for me, being here.
Atleast now, whatever I do, I know it would be my decision. I won't regret anything. I won't regret being something I wanted. I won't regret being a writer. I won't regret being myself.
And I am happy. Very happy.
Even if I face any ups-and-downs in my life, I know that I will happily handle them. They may make me pause and think. But they can't make me regret.
I miss you. I miss you a LOT and I miss your hugs the most.
When I say 'I love you', I mean it. And in your case, you can hear it in my voice or in the tears of joy in my eyes.
I love you Sim, a lot se bhi zyada.
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