I haven't shared this one-shot with anyone, ever. And I wasn't in the favour of publishing it also. But you see, my friends asked me to do so, and here it is.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I was sitting in the classroom.....she was sitting just opposite to me....we all were sitting on the square table surrounded by many other chairs......and I could see her engrossed in some work.....she was looking damn cute....no.....she was very beautiful...she had a pair of black eyes.....which were so beautiful that I even don’t know when I got lost in them....her curved eyelashes always clashed with each other whenever she blinked.....i hated when she blinked......cause I wasn’t present in her eyes...her rosy lips had now a pen between them....she was confused for sure....she was trying out a solution of some problem.....and I don’t even know which subject it was.....and I do wish that I could offer to help her.....she was silent....her lips moved in an inaudible saying....but her eyes spoke volumes....she could speak with her eyes.....her expressions spoke it all....and a lock of hair kept coming on her forehead....irritating her even more.....and I was feeling a sudden urge to move that hair back to its position.....i could not afford to see her troubled....so where was i? Yes.....i was lost in her pure serenity.....she was so pure at heart.....i often wondered if there could be any other girl like her who is so pure...so innocent......so untouched by this cruel world today...i mean she never ever thought of revenges.....she always gave....never took....she never replied back....she is always friendly...how can someone be so untouched? The only thing I find strange in her nature is that she hardly ever had a talk with any boys....but she wasn’t like this before.....i was her friend earlier....someone or something changed her.....so it was difficult for me to start a conversation.....knowing that we are batch mates....and old friends.....old? Yup I guess.....that time sometimes even breaks a bond....God knows why she stopped talking with me? I mean suddenly our friendship undergone a great change with a mere change in section.....was our friendship so weak? Was our friendship so fragile that it broke just due to spaces? but I guess I too never did came to talk to her....why do we expect someone to approach us first when we ourselves can’t do that? Well I guess.....i am deviating from the topic.....but what to do? Whenever she is in front of me....i just can’t help but start talking about her....her aroma.....her style....her dress....her dress?????? But all of us had worn the same dress.......then? I guess the way she carries herself is the way I fall more and more for her....fall?? yup.....i guess I have a crush on her since forever...but I know I can’t help it......she is simply beautiful....whether outer or inner.....but she isn’t transparent....i mean I told you na that she was my friend? Well as much as I know her...... (Which I am sure I do)....she never shares her pain with anyone.....she is the type of girl who will console you even if she is broken.....she is simply breathtakingly magnificent....i wonder what happened that she stopped talking to me.....no...Not only me.....but also other boys....and today I want to talk to her so badly but I know that I can’t gather up the spirit.....knowing that she is just in front of me.....but what can I do? I know that she won’t respond.....or would she? I am tired of this feeling of wanting to talk to her.....while I just do assumptions and don’t talk to her.....What the hell! I can’t even talk to someone whom I want to talk so desperately just due to spaces....but it seemed that her eyes were looking for something....or someone.....she was deeply absorbed in someone’s thoughts....was it me? No....it can’t be...then who was the lucky person? I do want to talk to her....she might answer but I am not gathering up spirit to talk to her....i am just busy stealing glances at her.....
He was sitting just opposite to me....he was my friend....my old friend....i couldn’t help but feel nervous.....i was very uncomfortable.....i knew that he was stealing glances at me....u know na about girl’s instinct? I wanted to know the reason of this....but I decided that I wont notice him....i wont notice his eyes searching for me....i wont notice his smile while melts me....i wont notice the questions he bore in his eyes for me.....i wont notice his.....stop! Why do I even try to forget him? When I know that I can never do this....i know that I always had a crush on him since forever.....right now he was talking to other girls.....god knows why but this thing made me a little jealous.....as if I talked to him and I had a copyright on him....so stupid of me! But I guess that’s me! Stupid! he was talking so casually with them......just like the way he used to talk with me....but I thought that this style of him was only meant for me.....but I guess that’s where I was wrong....he was never mine.....mine? Am I sure that I want to make him mine? I mean I don’t believe in this crap love thing....why do all my philosophies get lost when I talk to him? But I don’t talk with him! See.....that’s what my problem is.....i don’t talk to him or any other boy....actually I used to think that all are one.....but every time I made someone my best friend....whether male or female.....they always walk away from my life.....and I don’t want to do this any longer....i am tired of getting upset....i am tired of people coming in and going from my life.....and when I entered in higher standards..... people tend to take a boy-girl friendship as a relationship.....which I despise....actually it hurts my self respect if anyone says that about me and my friends.....and I am sure that this would made my so called ego hurt....i mean I am not used to such things....i am a simple ordinary girl who loves all the things in the simplest manner ever.....and I hate mixing my feelings like this....it seems to me that people are playing with my emotions...which is the thing I cant bear......i mean how can you say that a boy and a girl cannot be friends? And why? I mean are they aliens? Are they different? I don’t think so! I mean if we study in a coed....then we should talk to everyone....that’s the reason for being in a coed....but I guess that time.....people influenced my thinking....and I slowly became one of them who thought that a boy and a girl could never be friends....but time changes everything......so it did to me! And today I have realized that it’s not true....i mean indirectly, I have regained my previous thinking......but the only thing is that I don’t know how to talk to them....i mean half of the boys don’t talk to me thinking that I am reserved.....well I was for some time in my life....i was shy....i mean I always get nervous even if a boy approaches me and talks....because somewhere I feel myself to be guilty....guilty that they had to take the initiative to talk to me....and I can’t myself start the conversation....but I guess...i can’t....that’s the shy side of me....and I also feel bad that I can never start a conversation....but what to do? I have changed! But I do want to be the same girl like before....a girl who always used to enjoy her life irrespective of people’s opinion regarding her....i do want to change.....but one cannot change so fast.....it takes time to change....and I am a person who never changes until its her own wish......but I do want to change....and I think it’s taking too much time......i am tired of this stupid false appearance....i am not happy! And I don’t want to pretend that I am happy when I know that I am not! The only fact is that I think I am happy....while I am terribly upset at that....and I do want to talk to him....but I know that I wont take the first step....i wont ever....even knowing that his eyes are showing that he does wants to talk to me....but I wont.....stupid me....why cant I just bring myself to even stare at his direction? Why? Well that’s why I got myself busy in work....i tried to concentrate on the work....but my mind.....no.....my heart was constantly thinking about him....and he seemed to read my expressions....he knows me in and out....he was my best friend.....at least for me...he is the kindest boy you can ever meet.....his heart is made up of gold....he cares for everyone....he is very intelligent....but I don’t want to think about him anymore....so I diverted my attention to write a poem.....and god knows when I got deeply dissolved in that.....and entered into my own world....where no one except me could enter...
She was busy writing something on a page.....it seemed that she was writing it with full concentration....and I couldn’t help but stare at her sincerity.....she was doing something special....something that could even make her smile sweetly.....she was constantly making cute faces....and her eyelashes even clashed when she looked at the paper....the paper is so lucky to have a girl watching at him to intensely....even when her eyes were showing some confusions...it looked as if she was not aware of this world....she was lost in her own imaginary beautiful world.....and I wanted to be a part of that world....i wanted to hold her....i wanted to talk to her...i wanted to tell her all that happened in my life all these years......i wanted to share each and everything with her.....i wanted to tell her how I missed her....how each moment of my life passed without her by my side....but I knew I couldn’t....but I did wanted to....but why only to her? Why do I care if she knows me.... why do I care if she talks to me or not? Why do I care if she can share my happiness with me? Will my happiness increase by telling her so? Will my griefs be reduced once I share them with her? Yes.....they would......but why? Why does her knowledge matters to me so much? And why am I thinking about all that right now? Why am I still staring at her like mad dogs watch the bone? Why haven’t I stopped thinking about her? Why haven’t I forgotten her like she has forgotten me? Can I ever forget her? No...but why? Maybe it’s not only a crush I have on her....i think I do love her...i love her? What have I done? She doesn’t even believe in love...and I have fallen in love with her!!! How stupid of me! But I do love her......and today I seemed to be in a heaven only by thinking that she was sitting close to me....only few seats away..... only few which could be crossed.... while it seemed that she was only physically present here......while mentally she was somewhere else.....she was lost.....somewhere.... where humans had no existence....and I wish I could tell her how I wished to be the part of that world.....
Why am I confused? Writing is never a big job for me....then why is writing a poem so tedious for me now? Why can’t I get the proper rhyming words? But some of my lines are making me smile...while I can’t get the other half of them.....why? Maybe just because of the feeling that he is so close to me....i can’t simply get over him....why am I feeling self conscious that he is watching me? I never feel self conscious when I write poems.....then why is today even writing so difficult? Why my heartbeats are a bit fast than usual? Why? Why is my mind constantly thinking what he is doing rather than on the poem.....why? Why today I am feeling disturbed? Do I still have a crush on him? Or do I love him? No.....that can’t be possible....i don’t believe in love....so how can I fall in love? But is it mere crush? If yes then why time couldn’t erase the feeling I have for him like any other thing from my life? Why are his eyes looking for me? What does he want to say? Or am I presuming that he wants to talk to me....while he doesn’t want to...am I only assuming things up while there is no such reality???? whatever....let me just concentrate on my poem....but would I be able to do so since he is just few foots away from me....how I wish to reach him and talk to him.....he is the only person who understands me.....or rather used to know me.....
I was still looking at her.....her eyes were lowered.....they were trying to find out some answers from herself...was she puzzled? She looked quiet disturbed....was she disturbed due to me? But then she would have told me so.....or at least looked at me....but she isn’t even looking at my direction....although her friends are sitting at my side....why? Is she afraid of me? Or is she afraid of the consequences if she meets my eyes? I just want to have one of her deadly gaze....i mean I always loved when earlier she looked at me in my eyes....whenever she talks.....she prefers talking while seeing at the eye.....this is the reason why she can’t lie....and she stammers when she ties to lie....she is a complete loss at telling lies.....and she only loves simplicity....she used to always listen to my unspoken words....but today she isn’t even responding to my stares.....which I am sure she is aware of....or is she? Has she changed? “Look at me.....please”...i muttered under my breath....but those words came straight from my heart......and as soon as I said those words.....she seemed to hear them.....as if she heard the voice of my heart....and she looked at my direction....and our eyes met......
I don’t know why.......but I was terribly feeling that he was calling out for me.....and I can do anything but displease him....i mean look at him....he is so sweet.....and genuine.....and nice.....that I can’t help but look at him.....but I ignored all my emotions and kept on seeing my copy....i even wasn’t talking to my friends.....because it would mean that I would have to look in his direction......which I didn’t wanted to make any eye contact with him......since my eyes speaks volumes.....damn! My eyes always tend to speak whatever I have in my mind....and he knew how to read me though my eyes....that’s why I was careful not to look at him....but suddenly I felt a sudden urge to see him....as if he is calling me.....and this time I couldn’t control myself and looked at his direction.....and that’s when our eyes met....and there was an eye lock.....
As soon as she turned, she looked at me.....and I realized that she again had listened to my unspoken words...she just gazed at me.....her black eyes were full of emotions......her eyes were revealing something.....i was lost in them....i could read her through her eyes....she knew that....and I felt our eyes speaking volumes to each other after so many years....we weren’t saying anything.....but we did said everything....there was something that she wanted to hide from me....something which was related to us.....but before I could read what was written in them, she broke our eye lock....she was the one to break it...and she broke it as soon as our eyes met.....but within 5 seconds....i seemed to know her more closely.....i seemed to love very moment in this 5 seconds....it was as if I was enjoying a beautiful dream....but then she just broke up....couldn’t she wait until I could read her entirely? She just looked in another direction like nothing had happened.....while I knew that some sparks had flown when our eyes met.....i could feel that....and I could see the pink colour rising up her cheeks.....was she blushing? But you blush when you see someone whom you tend to like....so does it means that she likes me? Has she too felt what I did?
I looked at him......i knew that he wanted to see me....and as soon as I turned in is direction.....my eyes were traced up by his eyes.....i saw him gazing at my eyes intently....and I couldn’t help but gaze into them.....his face showed of a guilt of being caught up like a thief....stealing glances at me....but I knew that he just was casually looking at me....i saw him reading me through my eyes....i knew that he wanted to know me....but I guess that’s what I didn’t wanted him to know....i knew that if he reads me......then I will once again come close to him......which I didn’t wanted to.....i didn’t wanted to go close to him and then leave him....i mean we all would go separate ways after 1 year for our career purposes....and I didn’t wanted to let him enter my life.....i didn’t wanted to be emotionally attached to him....so I reluctantly looked at other direction as if nothing had happened.......while we both knew that something had happened.....
I know that something was there which made her break our eye lock.....i had felt her eyes searching for me...i mean....when I looked in her eyes....all I could see was my same old friend....she hadn’t changed....her eyes reflected that....but she had only put on covers.....but why? What for? Is there something that she doesn’t want me to know? But she is so pure.......i mean all I could see in her eyes was honesty.....truth....and only feelings....this eye lock made me realize that I still haven’t lost her completely....i still can win her......we still can be together....and also that she too has some hidden feelings for me.....or else she wouldn’t have had turned in my direction....and our eyes wouldn’t have had met....now I am happy.....that in this short span of time....our eyes spoke everything out.....an electric current also passed......but she broke my glance....and I don’t know why...i mean she was enjoying it too...i saw that she too loved to see in my eyes.....and i wish to spend my entire life with her looking at her deep black eyes.....
I guess.....this eye lock resulted in the shaking of my comfort level.....now I didn’t feel like sitting in the same class with him.....i couldn’t......now I felt like crying....and I felt different....i mean I always used to talk to people looking at them in their eyes....i still do.....cause it’s a habit....but I knew that now I wont be able to see him for a while....i felt something deep within me....but I guess I wanted to ignore it....i didn’t wanted to feel what I was feeling....it was just a simple, short eye lock.....yet it changed something.... somewhere....and I could feel it........i could feel the warmth in his eyes......i could feel his sincerity in his eyes...today our eyes communicated without the use of words....i guess sometimes words aren’t needed to start a conversation.....sometimes eyes takes the command.
Hey friends...Well, this one-shot was written more than two years back, when I was amateur at writing. And hence, the mistakes. I haven't corrected anything in this, coz I didn't feel so. I wanted to keep this one-shot as it is and compare the growth of writing skills in me :)
I haven't shared this one-shot with anyone, ever. And I wasn't in the favour of publishing it also. But you see, my friends asked me to do so, and here it is.
I really hope that you like it. Please leave your reviews. Constructive Criticisms are always welcome :)