Saturday, August 23, 2014

23rd June, 2014

Dear Diary,

Things shouldn't hurt this much... But they do.
Tears shouldn't come this much... But they do.
Pain should be lessen... But it wouldn't.
I shouldn't miss you this much...  But I do.
You shouldn't have died... But you did.
I should be strong... But I am not.
I should be able to handle myself... But I can't.

I am trying to cope up... Trying not to be weak... But I guess I underestimated the amount of attachment I had with you. I miss you so damn much. 

People are coming and talking about you so much... How you were in pain... How it is good for you that you got Mukti... How proud you were in your life... How strong you used to be... How damn happy you have always made others to be... How giving you have been... And etc. But all I can thing of is... You are gone. You are not going to come back. I lost you. I wasn't a good grand daughter to you. Because I couldn't see you in pain, I stayed away from you in your last days. I should have stayed. I should have narrated bhajans to you. I should have told you how much I love you. I did nothing. I let you go...

I am sorry... I am so damn sorry. I pray for you to forgive me. I didn't realise how much I love you. Now, I do. I should be strong but I am not okay, I can't pretend that things are okay. Our family is incomplete without you. The "Hum Paanch" became four. 

How am I going to cope up? How am I going to control myself? With whom am I going to talk and share my heart out? Who is going to fight for me? Who is going to love me unconditionally? Who is going to fight for my cause? Who is going to love me like hell? Whom am I going to show my new clothes to listen to the praise? Hell! Who is going to give me blessings before every exam or new phase in life?

People say that you are there... Just not in human body form. I guess I am still a kid because I don't understand all these nonsense stuff. You aren't there. You may be present in soul, but I can't ask you for small things anymore... I can't be stubborn with you anymore... I can't call out to you and you reply back to me... No one would call me "Mahak" the way you said. No one would cry when I don't eat. It simply wouldn't matter to anyone else. No one would care for my wishes more than anyone else's. No one would be there who would love me more than anyone else. (Except mummy papa, of course. But it just isn't the same.)

Whom am I supposed to lean on to? Whom am I supposed to ask stupid questions to? Who is going to brush the loving fingers through my hair and lull me to sleep? Did I ever tell you how much I loved your loving touch? It made me forget everything else for a minute. Now who would touch me with so much of love? Who would brush off my tears and pamper me crazy? Who would put me above everyone else? With whom would I share my success? Who would bless me like you?

Losing you means losing a part of my heart. I will always love you. Time may heal... But I will never forget you. I love you so much. I have, I do and will always love you forever. I promise to you... I will always fulfill your wishes... I will make you proud.

I miss you... 

- Mahak

Note: Just a piece from my diary, written a day after my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, I was extremely close to her. I have my parents to love me but it isn't the same. This entry is not written to have advice's, suggestions or sympathy, I posted this to move on in life. Somehow.. 

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