23rd June, 2014

Dear Diary,

Things shouldn't hurt this much... But they do.
Tears shouldn't come this much... But they do.
Pain should be lessen... But it wouldn't.
I shouldn't miss you this much...  But I do.
You shouldn't have died... But you did.
I should be strong... But I am not.
I should be able to handle myself... But I can't.

I am trying to cope up... Trying not to be weak... But I guess I underestimated the amount of attachment I had with you. I miss you so damn much. 

People are coming and talking about you so much... How you were in pain... How it is good for you that you got Mukti... How proud you were in your life... How strong you used to be... How damn happy you have always made others to be... How giving you have been... And etc. But all I can thing of is... You are gone. You are not going to come back. I lost you. I wasn't a good grand daughter to you. Because I couldn't see you in pain, I stayed away from you in your last days. I should have stayed. I should have narrated bhajans to you. I should have told you how much I love you. I did nothing. I let you go...

I am sorry... I am so damn sorry. I pray for you to forgive me. I didn't realise how much I love you. Now, I do. I should be strong but I am not okay, I can't pretend that things are okay. Our family is incomplete without you. The "Hum Paanch" became four. 

How am I going to cope up? How am I going to control myself? With whom am I going to talk and share my heart out? Who is going to fight for me? Who is going to love me unconditionally? Who is going to fight for my cause? Who is going to love me like hell? Whom am I going to show my new clothes to listen to the praise? Hell! Who is going to give me blessings before every exam or new phase in life?

People say that you are there... Just not in human body form. I guess I am still a kid because I don't understand all these nonsense stuff. You aren't there. You may be present in soul, but I can't ask you for small things anymore... I can't be stubborn with you anymore... I can't call out to you and you reply back to me... No one would call me "Mahak" the way you said. No one would cry when I don't eat. It simply wouldn't matter to anyone else. No one would care for my wishes more than anyone else's. No one would be there who would love me more than anyone else. (Except mummy papa, of course. But it just isn't the same.)

Whom am I supposed to lean on to? Whom am I supposed to ask stupid questions to? Who is going to brush the loving fingers through my hair and lull me to sleep? Did I ever tell you how much I loved your loving touch? It made me forget everything else for a minute. Now who would touch me with so much of love? Who would brush off my tears and pamper me crazy? Who would put me above everyone else? With whom would I share my success? Who would bless me like you?

Losing you means losing a part of my heart. I will always love you. Time may heal... But I will never forget you. I love you so much. I have, I do and will always love you forever. I promise to you... I will always fulfill your wishes... I will make you proud.

I miss you... 

- Mahak

Note: Just a piece from my diary, written a day after my grandmother passed away. Needless to say, I was extremely close to her. I have my parents to love me but it isn't the same. This entry is not written to have advice's, suggestions or sympathy, I posted this to move on in life. Somehow.. 

Difference between then and now

Many a times it happens with me that a leaf of page falls from one of the textbook that I happen to pick up. When I pick it up, I find a poem or some abstract thought scribbled on it. I literally have to go through that entire thing to know what I actually wrote in that.

Some pieces of work make me smile.
Some make me nostalgic about a time that seemed so far away.
Some make me feel stronger since I did overcome that phase of life.
Some make me feel sad that it happened.
Some envelope me with a truck-load of memories.
Some make me realize how different my life is now.
Some make me happy that it ever happened.
Some make me feel the depth of emotions.
Some make me feel despair.
And some make me realize how bored I must have been to write such utter nonsense.

It's strange how life never seems to constantly change. I know it's just another random musings of mine but I can't help it. I am too emotional to forget things. Sometimes, writing down feels better. It creates a memory that can invoke different feelings at different point of time. What you must have felt while writing can be different to what you feel now. That's the difference between then and now. :)

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- Mahak

Hurt.

You making me cry wasn't the worst thing you could have done. But you making me cry for something even YOU know that I can't do, was the worst thing indeed.

- Written by Mahak :)

Lier...

Dude, I am not Rihanna. I don't "love" the way you lie. Infact, I want to smack you in the face. :P

- Written by Mahak

To Aashi,

To my baby (Aashi),


- You are the only Tom that this Jerry has got.


- You are the only forever-best-friend that is meant to be.


- Our relationship is the best one so far.


- We fight, laugh, argue, cuddle, love, have fun etc... and do every thing which makes it beautiful.


- I cannot imagine a day spent without talking to you (this includes talking on phone.)


- You already know that you are the most precious person in my life.


- The best part in our relationship is that, when we fight and the other one is hurt, we don't see who started the fight. We simply make amends, even if it was the other's fault. We don't have 'ego problem' between us.


- When we fight, we say many hurting things. But the other person knows that those things hold no meaning.


- The best thing about me, is you.


I love you more than I can ever show. You have always been a baby to me. Unlike you, I have absolutely no qualms in admitting how much you mean to me. For I believe that when you love someone, you have to tell them that you do. <3 <3<3


Wishing you a one-day advance happy birthday. You are going to turn fifteen this year. I can't believe how fast you grew up. I mean, it seemed not long time ago, that you were gently placed in my arms. Anyways, before I get nostalgic, let me wish you a very happy advance birthday. May this birthday be the best one in your life. <3


Only yours,
Mahak :)

9th, 8th and 7th day advance!

9th Day!

Aashi Goel- Happy 9-day advance birthday...!! ♥:) I am so waiting for my babu's birthday..!! ♥ Baby, you are amazing and lovely... and not to forget, the most important person in this whole world to me..!! Wishing you a very Happy birthday to you...!! ♥♥♥

8th Day!

Aashi- Happy advance 8-day bday :) ♥ I know that I may have started bugging you... but you know it's my love for you.. :) ♥ Wishing you all the happiness in life... May all your dreams come true... blah blah. I mean, I wonder why do people say all these stuff? I don't need to tell you all this, after all, you are my baby-sister! And ofcourse I wish all these things for you! :D So yeah, enjoy! love you a lot more se bhi zyada! ♥♥♥ :*

7th Day!


Aashi - Happy advance-7-days birthday :P I hope tujhe in posts ki aadat pad gai hai. Anyways, See, what all I do for you! I baked a chocolate cake today, so that I can see if it will come out the same on your birthday. I am learning from my mistakes so that on your birthday, it comes out perfect. I just hope this one is as yummy as it looks. :D

Anyways, what can I ever gift you on your birthday? You know that you just need to say it... and I will do it. Atleast, try to. *added this so that her little sister does not gets filmy and asks for starts type of thing* :P

You know, even though I am just 4.5 years elder to you, you still are like a baby to me. You have no idea how desperate I was to meet you, after you are born.. and hold you in my arms. And I am proud to say that, between papa-mummy and me, I was the first one to embrace you.

I love you baby... ♥ You were the first one to call me 'didi' even though you do not call that to me now. You were the first one to evoke feelings of possessiveness, love, care, share etc in me. I have been a pampered girl. Whatever I asked, I was given. But I didn't know how to share. But sharing my toys with you gave me such joy... which keeping them never gave.

Rest for tomorrow... As the day of your birthday is approaching, my posts will get longer :P Enjoy reading them :P:D:D:D


These posts are for Aashi (my younger sister) whose birthday is coming :) <3


- Mahak

aiveeeeer

Sometimes I think... Why do I even think.. :P


- written by Mahak

One of those days...

It's one of those days.. when you feel like leaving everything behind and just... run away from reality. Because it's something you don't have the strength to face anymore. But you don't, because you are not a coward and you don't like giving-up. And so, you feel all gloomy stuff.

- Written by Mahak :)

Sheer torture

The moments of sheer torture when your younger sister tries to make a different hairstyle for you.. and you are like trying not to shriek in pain... while she pulls at your hair strings!

- Written by Mahak

Difference btw intimacy and romance

Well, my Di and me were having a conversation about Romance in Ishaqzaade... so this is how it went...


Me : I was soooooo lost in the movie that except the intimate scenes, nothing made me hide my face :D


Her : I knew ki intimate scenes me aap blush zarur karengi :P


Me : Blush? I couldn't look UP! I was with Aashi and I was busy seeing that she has her eyes covered... which she had.. my baby. And they didn't get separated from each other for a whole lot of time! And man...!! I thought that they will eat up each other's lips! Gross. The entire movie hall was silent during those crucial grossing moments!


Her : **falls dwn frm d chair laughing my head off, holding my tummy, imagining ur expression** :P


Me : Oh.. you have NO idea. :/ It was so hell awkward..that i had to wonder whether it was safe to breathe or wud it make noise! I had this immense grossified look on my face. Euww man! They literally were sucking! Every time a song came, i thought ki yeh log ab phir se kuch zyada jazzbaati na ho jaayein! * horrified look*


Her : Mahak bas yaar, hasa hasa k murder karna hai kya mera? :P


Me : Aapko hasi aa rahi hai? I thought it was gross!


Her : U can only do that :P


Me : Do what?


Her : think romance as gross :P


Me :  It is! There is a difference between romance and intimacy. I hate intimate things! I mean, gross. You know what romance is for me? Well, I find it romantic when my mother lets papa steal a big spoon of ice-cream from her plate every time, knowing he already had the bigger share due to his love for ice-cream *apparently i got this ice-cream fetish from him* She always whines but always lets him. This is romance. Romance is when my papa hugs my mother when she is in full-fighting mode and keeps on being calm until she is over with her rant. There are many other examples. I find them romantic and not the lip-eating grossing thing. Sweet actions are romance. Not cheap ones.




To be continued as the convo moves further ... :D :D

Just aviieee

Aakhir kyun... hum rehte hain chup...
Aakhir kyun... hum sehte hain sab kuch...
Na jaane kab rukega yeh silsila...
Kya uske baad... bachega kuch?

-Written by Mahak

aaivve

Guys who can talk to girls in a fake girly voice... are girly. :D :D :D :D

- Mahak :D

Aivveee

When people ask me.. 'Are you mad'? I say.. 'Hamesha se' :P :D

- Written by Mahak :D

Healing Time

Random Musings... Some lines that came into my mind when I kept myself at one of my character's place in a new story:

Samay toh zakhom par marham lagane waala hota hai na? Toh phir kyun samay mere zakhom ko kured raha hai? Kya bigada hai maine samay ka? Kyun mere zakhmon par namak chidak deta hai? Main kyun us haadse ko bhula nahi paa rahi hun? Kyun mujhe itni takleef ho rahi hai? Kyun? 

Main thak chuki hun dard sehte sehte...

Thak chuki hun akele mein rote rote...

Ab muskurahat bhi mujhse dur bhaagti hai...

Akele paa kar... sirf aanson laati hai...

Kya yahi hai mere naseeb mein?

Kya nahi aage badh sakungi main?

- Mahak

Aiveeee

I know I am holding on to something that was never truly mine...but I cant exactly be wrong to hold on to my feelings which never die...

- Written by Mahak

Digging up the past...

Some Random Lines:




Every time you talk about that topic, I really wish to tell you about my past. But every time you start criticizing it, I realize that I will lose you, once I tell you about it. But keeping a secret in my heart, having nightmares about it... is so damn difficult for me to bear. I am going into depression while all the while, I am smiling like nothing happened. This pretense is killing me inside. And I have no remedy for this pain. For the past will only bring pain. Only pain.



- Written by Mahak

Amidst the chaos in my life,
I want to find some solace, 
Maybe I am a optimist,
But I want to make it all okay.
I am not worried about tomorrow,
I am only concerned with today,
I want to fulfill all my dreams,
Without so much delay.


-Written By Mahak

Hurt

Sometimes, I feel that you don't love me. For if you did, you would have realized how much you hurt me by your 'unintentional' words.

- Written by Mahak

Missing you.

I sometimes wish that missing you was in my hands...

- Mahak

P.S.- Told you, going to share lines by me too :P :P

I don't stop loving you...

You hurt me. Every Time.
And I still care for you. Every Time.

You make me feel low about myself.
Yet I feel so high about you.

You make me feel like crap.
Yet, I don't stop loving you.

- Written by Mahak

P.S.- Love can be between parents, siblings etc. too. But yeah, I am not in the other type of love :P